1. Personal text message. Specialty areas: Backing out of commitments made while overly-tired and/or intoxicated, believable excuses for 2+ hour tardiness to time-sensitive social events (ie: surprise parties), shifting tone of conversation back to “friend zone” after it’s veered dangerously close to “flirting” due to innocent misunderstanding, using only emoji to explain nuanced views on complex geopolitical topics.
2. Passive-aggressive notes. Specialty areas: Dishes (co-workers, roommates, offspring); Parking (in driveway, too far from curb, taking up 2+ spots, love-tapped your bumper, wash me); Honey-do (dirty socks go in hamper, take out trash, fix loose bathroom doorknob before someone who has repeatedly told you they are extremely claustrophobic gets locked in again for 4 hours because apparently no one could hear increasingly-hoarse cries for help). Can be typed or handwritten.
3. Vaguebooking. Specialty areas: Humblebrags, sympathy, requests for prayers/well-wishes/good vibes/hugs, foreshadowing (positive and negative events), inspiring FOMO.
—Josey Rose Duncan